Addicted
by ineap
Summary: Just a random K2 idea I had that turned into a story, there's no insta-love so if that's what you're looking for this isn't for you. Rated M just to be safe.
1. Not Just Your Ordinary Fuck Up

Ok I worked on this for a while so I hope it's good. I'll eventually have more chapters, in case it wasn't obvious to you, but I have no idea how long that will take. I have a lot of school work to do so it may take a little while for me to publish more to the story but don't worry I'm not one of the people who disappears for months. Anyway enjoy the story. Oh and I've said it before but I will clarify that I do not own South Park, if I did do you think I would be putting stories up on this site? Exactly!

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I walked out of my home, if you could really call it that, pointedly slamming the door as hard as I could, it didn't matter though, nobody would notice I had left anyway. I should be used to it by now but it still bothers me when my parents fight, which is pretty often. This particular fight, however, was getting violent, so I escaped the house before objects were thrown in a fit of drunken rage. If I stayed home when a fight escalated to this level I always seemed to get caught in the cross fire so I learned to just leave before this happened and I was able to avoid confrontation most of the time.

I never went anywhere in particular when I would leave my house I just walked around the town avoiding going home. If it was already dark when I left I would normally go to Starks pond and lay against a tree all night, never falling asleep but not fully awake either. Sometimes I would rather freeze half to death at Starks pond than see my parents poisoning themselves slowly, other times I'm able to block it out and imagine I have a different family. Unfortunately that's not how life works, there's no family ready to come steal me from the hell hole I call home, I'm stuck until the day I turn 18.

Even though my parents were lazy, alcoholics, and could even be called abusive, I still hate to see them do something so damaging to their health, they're still my parents after all. Sure, I've tried drugs before, and I even tried drinking a few times, but I'm still a kid, I'm supposed to make those mistakes.

I angrily kicked a rock, hoping to take out some of my frustrations on the inanimate object, but, my luck being as crappy as it is, the rock bounced off a nearby trash can and hit me squarely in the jaw. "Son of a-!" I yelled grabbing at my jaw that was no doubt going to have a bruise later.

I just shook my head, hoping the pain would just randomly disappear, and continued walking. I was now passing the TV store and paused to see the weather report. "We're looking at a large snowstorm ready to hit us tonight; at least 2 feet of snow are expected. If you plan on leaving your house bundle up and prepare for the temperature to drop to about 18 degrees Fahrenheit."

I looked down to see I had forgotten my sweatshirt when I left my house. My day had just gotten worse. I had two choices, I could either go home and deal with the wrath that is my father or I could freeze to death. Neither of those options were very appealing. I certainly wasn't ready to completely give up on life but I wasn't about to go home to where I wasn't wanted.

I continued my walk considering any other options. I could go to a friend's house and hope they would have enough pity to allow me to stay and impose on their life for a little while. Although my friends seemed to think I didn't mind mooching off of people and wasting their time but it was actually something that bothered me. I hated the fact that my parents couldn't support their own family and left their kids to care for themselves. At first I had honestly wished that I would one day be able to pay them back but as the years passed I began to realize that the day I would be able to pay them back was not likely to come. As I came to this realization I asked less of them and preferred going hungry over imposing.

Now that I was desperately trying to find a way to live to see tomorrow without having to go home I thought about who would actually let me stay at their house for the night. Cartman; I wouldn't even consider going to him for help, he would never help me and if he did it would only be so he could mock me about it later. Stan was probably planning on talking to Wendy all night and if he wasn't then he would blabber uselessly about her, this wouldn't exactly be my first choice but if need be I would go to him for help. Kyle would be my first choice out of my three friends. He wasn't likely to be doing anything and he had always been the nicest to me. I couldn't help but feel a little guilty about going to him for help once again, he had helped me too much since we became friends so long ago in kindergarten. I felt like I had used him too many times and that thought made me ashamed of the situation I had found myself in, and this wasn't the first time.

Feeling I was out of options I trudged in the direction of my friends house, worrying what his reaction to finding me on his doorstep would be. I worried until I reached his front door, then I forced myself to look like I normally do before I slowly lifted my hand to knock on the door. A few minutes drifted by before the door finally opened to a familiar redhead. I forced a smile and said, "Hey Kyle," as if this was just a normal visit.

"Um, hey Kenny, I wasn't expecting to see you, honestly I would've expected Stan to be coming over telling me Wendy broke up with him again or something, but hi…I guess." He said looking at me questioningly and I knew he was refraining from asking me why I was there.

"I came over cause I need you to do me a favor." I said as he stood back a bit inviting me inside.

"Dude where's your jacket?" He questioned, obviously wondering why I wasn't wearing the one article of clothing I rarely ever took off.

"I left it at home; I left in kind of a hurry." He tilted his head slightly and I knew exactly what this gesture was asking. "My parents were drinking way too much, I left before it could get too out of hand." I mumbled looking away feeling my face begin to heat up in embarrassment.

"Oh," he said quietly and I could feel him watching me. "You wanna stay here tonight?" I nodded, carefully looking up to judge his reaction. "That's fine with me but it is a school night so we'll have to stay in my room or else my parents will flip shit. Is that alright?"

I smiled and nodded. "Thanks Kyle, what would I do without you?"

He thought for a minute then smirked. "You would be forced to resort to going to Cartman when something like this happened."

I shivered at the thought. "I think I would rather ask anybody else at the school."

He laughed agreeing with me. "Hey, you wanna grab a bite to eat before you're locked in my room for the rest of the night?" I shrugged not wanting to impose any more than I already was. He simply rolled his eyes. "C'mon you can have a sandwich or something you're probably starving."

He made a simple turkey and cheese sandwich and handed it to me before putting everything back into their proper places. "Thanks Ky, you're too good to me." He just smiled sheepishly and walked up to his room, me right behind him practically inhaling my food. By the time I finished the sandwich we were in his room with the door shut securely behind us, successfully hiding me from his parents. I sat in his computer chair while he layed across his bed making himself comfy.

Kyle layed there and stared at me as if he was looking for something and I stared right back hoping I would miraculously get the power to read his mind so I would know what he was looking for. After a minute of this I moved my eyes away from his searching gaze to look out his window. I couldn't stand to look at him any longer, I knew I wasn't doing a very good job at keeping my expression blank and I felt like he knew exactly what I was thinking.

"Dude you ok?" he asked, apparently trying to break the silence. I didn't move, didn't even look at him, fearing that he would easily read me like a book if our eyes met. "I can tell something's bothering you, maybe talking about it will make you feel better."

"It's nothing." I mumbled looking slightly in his direction. "It's not important, don't worry about it." I added hoping to stop any further questioning.

"No matter how unimportant it may be it's still upsetting you. And of course I'm gonna worry. Kenny, you're my friend, when something worries you it worries me." Kyle said in his unrelenting tone that I knew meant he wasn't going to just let it go any time soon.

"Well I don't really know what's wrong." I gave one final attempt.

"Yes you do."

"Fine, I do! There's something bothering me, so sue me! I don't wanna talk about it Kyle! Just get off my back!" I yelled, finally meeting his eyes. He looked hurt and I felt a pang of guilt knowing he had only been trying to help.

"Ok…" he said quietly, no longer pressing the matter. "But if you change your mind I'm always available."

I nodded and looked away again, this time embarrassed that I had yelled at him. It's not that I couldn't trust Kyle, he's the only one I could trust, I was just used to hiding my feelings from everyone that I couldn't just tell him everything I was thinking. "I'm sorry I yelled at you, I know you're just trying to help but I just…" My voice trailed off and I couldn't figure out how to finish the sentence.

"It's fine." He said not needing me to finish the sentence to understand. I opened my mouth to say more but before I could the sound of his parents getting home from work stopped me. "My mom always makes me help her with dinner so I'll go get that over with, you can go on my computer or something until I get back." Without letting me say anything more he left the room leaving me feeling more alone than ever.

I didn't turn to the computer and surf the web like Kyle probably thought I would. I just sat there thinking, something I was doing increasingly often. Why did I always feel so damn alone? The feeling would creep up into my chest at random moments, even when I was surrounded by 'friends'. The truth was, I didn't really consider anyone my friend, and not one of the people I hung out with in school even knew anything about me. No one knew that I was actually smart, just too lazy to do the work, or that my favorite color isn't orange like my parka, but is a green that is almost the exact shade of Kyle's eyes. I could easily continue that list because no one knows anything at all; they make assumptions rather than trying to get to know me.

I hate to admit it but these assumptions hurt. Why did everyone always expect the worst from me? It was probably because of my parents. I could probably take every bad thing in my life and blame it on my parents. I won't stoop to that level though. What good would it do anyway? It's not like pointing fingers at others would change the last 17 years of my life; hell, I wouldn't mind just changing the last 2.

I sighed and began rocking the chair back and forth lightly in an attempt to prevent my emotions from getting out of control but I could feel them slowly skyrocketing. On one hand I was angry that everyone had judged me so quickly and then deemed me inferior. My expression quickly changed from anger to sadness as my thoughts shifted. They were right. I was inferior, just look at my family, there's no way mine could ever compare to theirs. Nobody liked me anyway so why should it matter who's family is better? I am just a waste of space, in fact my entire family is, not one of them will ever do anything with their lives.

My chest started to feel cold and I stopped rocking the chair. It wasn't that people hated me, I never gave anyone a reason to hate me, but then why didn't they like me? What did I do to deserve being ignored? Was I condemned to a life of solitude? I slammed my head into my hands not even attempting to answer any of my questions. They didn't really have answers anyway, but the more I thought the more depressed I felt.

All of these thoughts made me feel like magnesium when it's put too close to a flame, I was gonna blow up and the little bits of me would fan out across Kyle's room. Don't be surprised by the science reference, I use references like that a lot, and I did say I was secretly smart. I wished I could just spontaneously combust like that, it would be an easy resolution, but I wasn't quite ready to give up on life yet so I was partially relieved when I stayed in one piece.

I couldn't, no, I wouldn't, give up. I had to find some way to organize my thoughts and sort this all out. I decided I would pull all of my thoughts together and then talk to someone I could trust about how I had been feeling. I was going to end this rein of depression somehow and I knew I couldn't do it on my own in a non-violent way. I had to talk to a friend, that really just means Kyle, no matter how much I hated talking about my feelings.

When Kyle came back a half hour later mumbling something about how his mom wanted to eat early I was sitting in the same spot I had been when he had left. Although I had plenty of time to think while he was gone I had no idea what I could possibly say that would start some sort of discussion that would make me feel better. I didn't want any of the 'everything will get better eventually' bull crap that people usually say to cheer up a friend, how is that supposed to make me feel better? I didn't want to wait for 'eventually' to come, I wanted a permanent fix on the situation right at that moment. I knew patience would be best and that my life wouldn't miraculously be better within moments of our discussion but I needed something better than 'eventually'. There was no way I was going to just sit there and wait for everything to fix itself, I'm not one to sit back and relax while everything around me goes to shit, no higher power was going to save me, I would pull things back together myself. I only had one problem. What was I going to say?

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Yes it's kind of a cliffhanger type ending but it had to end somewhere. Please let me know what you think, I worked very hard on that and I want to know what you think! Doesn't that make you feel special? I actually do care about your opinion!


	2. Typical Day

Well, I am very proud of this if I do say so myself. I updated pretty quick, see and you probably didn't believe me when I said I wouldn't disappear for long periods of time. Well, I'll let you get on with reading the story now and I would like to say a quick thank you to the people who reviewed the first chapter, you are the ones who inspired me to update so quickly. And as a side note I do not own South Park so don't sue me or I won't have the computer to continue writing this.

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Ok, so I chickened out. I didn't end up saying anything, I couldn't think of anything to say so I just listened to Kyle basically talk to himself; I certainly wasn't much for conversation. How could he speak his mind so easily? This always baffled me; he had always been able to say exactly what was on his mind no matter how rude he may sound when saying it. I envied this ability of his, if only I could take lessons from him I wouldn't have been in such a sorry state of mind. Well you know you're depressed when you can easily admit it to yourself.

When me and Kyle arrived at the bus stop the next day I scowled at my feet while Kyle promptly began fighting with Cartman. Why did they fight every day? Didn't it get boring after so long? How could they even be considered friends? It just didn't make sense to me. Kyle has helped Cartman numerous times in the past but when has Cartman ever helped Kyle? All he's ever done is make Kyle's life as miserable as he could and if I'm speaking honestly it made me sick that Kyle thought of Cartman as a friend. I mean, Cartman injected Kyle with some of his blood to give him AIDS for Christ's sake, how is that a friendly gesture? It certainly didn't seem friendly to me.

I shivered when a cold breeze cut through me like a sheet of ice and immediately regretted not running home to get my jacket before going to the bus stop. Kyle had let me borrow some clothes to wear to sleep the night before but there was no way in hell I would wear any of his clothes to school, not with the way rumors spread so fast. Within the blink of an eye people would have thought we were a gay couple or something ridiculous like that. Stan arrived last and broke up the fight by standing in between them and reengaging Cartman's attention with the answers to the previous night's math homework.

I felt an elbow in my side and looked up angrily ready to yell at someone but rather than see a taunting face ready to insult me I saw Kyle waiting expectantly for me to answer a question I never heard. I stared at him blankly, I had completely tuned out my friends and couldn't even what he would've asked me.

Kyle just rolled his eyes and repeated himself, "I asked if you needed the answers to any homework that I know you didn't do last night."

"Don't faint when I tell you this but I actually did my homework last night, I just left it at home." I wasn't just lying to look good I had honestly done my work in an effort to bring my grades up to at least C's. The homework was in my binder probably somewhere on the floor of my room.

"Wow that really sucks dude. You never did answer the question though; I'll give you my homework if you want." He offered already sorting through his backpacks contents.

"Don't worry about it. It's fine." I said turning away from him and looking down the street at the approaching bus.

"Dude you're gonna fail if you don't hand in your homework. The semester's almost over you don't have much time to make up any missing work. Why won't you just take the help?" His hand was still in his backpack waiting for me to give in and take the work that was rightfully his.

"People already expect me to fail, why should I disappoint them? It's not like my life is going anywhere anyway." I stepped onto the bus before he could argue and so began another school day.

When I first walked into school I attracted some unwanted attention from nearly every girl I passed in the hallway. They didn't actually like me but girls had always said that I was 'hot' or 'fuckable' was another term I heard a lot, and I guess seeing me without a jacket was too much for them. Other than the long stares it was a normal day, I didn't utter a single word in chemistry and not even one person noticed. In gym my hockey team didn't remember I was there until someone on the opposing team hit the puck directly into my face causing me to be sent to the nurse. I was late to geometry and since the nurse hadn't given me a pass and the teacher chastised me for a good 10 minutes in front of the class earning quite a few snickers from the onlookers.

Lunch came and went and I must have only muttered a few short sentences throughout the day. Kyle kept glancing at me throughout lunch with a worried look, he seemed to be the only one who noticed my uncharacteristic quietness. We had history next and we didn't have any time to talk, even if I had wanted to I wouldn't have had a chance. Our damn research project took up every second of the class and before we knew it we were heading to Spanish.

We were the first two to enter the class and took our assigned seats that were coincidentally right next to each other, thank you random seating chart. I leaned back in my chair and closed my eyes but when I opened them Kyle was staring right at me. I sat up straight wondering if he had asked something that I didn't hear again. He never asked me anything, never actually said anything at all, just watched me until the time the bell rang.

When the bell rang I rushed into the hallway, leaving Kyle all alone, and headed to my next and favorite class, photography. The whole time I was in the hallway I couldn't stop wondering why Kyle had been staring at me and it was times like that, that I wished I was a mind reader. I stepped into the familiar classroom and the stress that had crept up on me melted away as I sat in my seat, the bell ringing loudly as I did so.

"Good afternoon class. I hope you all remembered your homework because it's going to count as a quiz grade." As Miss Miller said this I sunk lower and lower in my seat. She walked around the room collecting the pictures we were supposed to take, she came to my desk last and stopped walking when I didn't hand her anything. "Kenny do you have your homework?" I shook my head. "Then step into the hall and wait while I get the rest of the class started."

I went out into the hallway like she asked and waited to be yelled at again, at least Miss Miller had the decency to make sure the class couldn't hear and laugh. She stepped into the hallway minutes later holding the other students' homework under her arm. "Why didn't you do your homework Kenny? You know you're taking a zero for a quiz grade, your overall grade will drop significantly." She sounded disappointed, her class was the only one I really cared about so her disappointment made me hand my head in shame.

"I don't have a camera so I couldn't take any pictures." I answered staring at the tiled floor beneath my feet.

"Why don't you have a camera Kenny?" She asked sounding exasperated.

"I had a camera but it broke and I can't afford a new one." It was the truth, at the beginning of the year I had bought a camera with the little money I had from a summer job but it had been broken during one of my father's 'episodes'.

"Kenny, if you had told me that then I would have found a camera you could borrow." She stated sympathy passing over her features. "Is there anything else bothering you? Lately you just don't seem like the Kenny that was my favorite student since the beginning of the year." Favorite student, did I hear her correctly? No one had ever called _me_, Kenny McCormick, their favorite student.

"I'll be fine." I said, not wanting to let her know anything that was going on at home, but when she gave me a look that said she didn't believe me I was forced to continue. "I'm just having some…family issues. Like I said I'll be fine, everything's alright." This seemed to satisfy her and she motioned for me to re-enter the classroom where she lent me one of her cameras and warned me not to break it.

I was in high spirits as I left the classroom; photography class always seemed to have this effect on me. Unfortunately for me my good mood was soon quelled by the feeling of someone grabbing me from behind, spinning me around to face them, and slamming their fist squarely into my jaw. I had to give the props; I wasn't expecting such an event to occur and they were strong, I actually saw a few lights dancing in my vision before stumbling backwards and away from my attacker.

If I was so ignored why did someone just come up and punch me in the face? That's probably what you want to ask me. Well, let me tell you people in this school aren't known for getting their facts straight before they begin making assumptions and creating a situation that easily gets out of hand. I brought my hand up to my chin and rubbed it soothingly, damn that hurt pretty bad. I looked up at my attacker and found myself staring into the eyes of none other than Chad Michael Michaels. Yes, I know, it's strangely close to Chaz Michael Michaels, but don't get confused, they're two different people. Chad was probably the most popular guy in school. He was on multiple sports teams and was the boyfriend of the most popular girl in the school.

"Who the hell do you think you are?!" he screamed, calling everyone's attention to us.

"Kenny McCormick?" I said carefully, did he think I suffered from a multiple identity disorder?

"Do I look like an idiot to you?" I took a few steps back and looked around at the crowd watching in expectant silence. If I answered his question honestly I would be killed. Chad took two menacing steps forward and I stepped back accordingly. "How dare you try to get Codee to sleep with you? Do you not know she's my girlfriend or are you just stupid?"

My brain couldn't comprehend what he was saying at first. Then it hit me, it was happening again. I was once again being put into a position that I didn't belong in simply because girls couldn't stop themselves from making up rumors. This had happened before, a girl will tell her friends that I tried to get in her pants and they would tell the rest of the school resulting in one angry boyfriend, an eager crowd, and one innocent kid getting the shit beat out of him. Yea, I'm the innocent kid in the situation. I didn't bother trying to reason with him, it never worked and I'd learned that it never would. Instead of wasting my time and breath arguing I would just skip to the end so I could get to class.

Thankfully my face would stay intact for another day, a teacher walked into the middle of the circle of students that had formed around us like an amoeba. He looked between me and Chad before deciding that he needed to yell at Chad more than he needed to yell at me. With the teacher's and Chad's attention diverted to one another I sneakily slipped through the crowd of people and got to English as the bell was ringing. I was chewed out in front of my classmates once again for something I couldn't be held accountable for but took it with silence and fake apologetic glances up at the teacher.

What a pretty crappy day huh? Well, that was just a normal day, actually it was a pretty damn good day compared to other I had in the past. I wasn't in the principal's office, I didn't have any injuries that were given to me by a family member, I had escaped the clutches of detention, and I only had one bruise after meeting the rage of a jock who seriously needed to join anger management counseling. So, overall, it wasn't that bad of a day. This small school day triumph didn't make my home life any better; I wouldn't have minded having an even worse day at school if I at least had a supportive family to go home to.

Upon stepping into my 'house' I was immediately assaulted by the smell of liquor and shame, a scent that seemed to stay within these damn walls no matter how much air freshener you sprayed. My dad lay passed out on the couch and I thanked my lucky stars that he wasn't awake to scream at me for whatever reason crossed his mind. I remember when I was 8 years old, they actually attempted to act like real parents back then, nowadays I guess they gave up on that. Random memories flooded into my thoughts beginning with older ones and stopping with more recent. My hand reached up and drifted over the most recent scar on my arm, the memory still fresh as if it had just happened.

I hadn't been able to escape the house in time and my parents had cornered me in the kitchen. Yelling at me about a fictional event their anger had only escalated when I tried convincing them to calm down. When the back pressed against the kitchen counter and I couldn't retreat further I yelled for them to get away from me as a last resort. This was the wrong thing to do, my father's flared and he grabbed a knife off the counter. I made it out lucky though, my father originally had the knife pressed to my neck. He 'let me off with a warning' as he put it, when I felt the metal pressing against the skin off my neck I had burst into tears and apologized profusely.

Coming out of my flashback I realized I had once again been reduced to tears because of my father and harshly threw my school books on the floor of my room. If things continued on the way they were I knew I wouldn't have the mental capacity to deal with it and I would be pushed right over the edge. However, my eventual demise at the hands of the ones who were supposed to care for me seemed inevitable. I dropped onto my bed and cried into my pillow the rest of the night like I had done many times before. I could see everything falling apart behind me but I didn't know how to stitch it back together, all I could do was sit and wait for someone to notice and help, and that didn't seem at all likely.

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So what'd you think? Good thoughts I hope. You could review and tell me exactly what you're thinking, even if it's not so nice, I'm tough I can handle criticism! Either way thank you fro reading in the first place.


	3. How Ironic

Well this is what happens when I stay home from school sick, you get the next chapter of a story early! Yay! I'm not thrilled that I'm sick I just get excited over updating stories. But here ya go chapter 3. Warning: Some people may find this a little graphic. And I'm sure everyone knows already but I don't own South Park or any of the characters.

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I was going to do it. It would only hurt for a minute and then everything would be better. I have tried before but Kyle caught me and made me stop. This time no one could stop me from feeling better, I was going to do it and no one was getting in my way. Where the metal touched my skin felt like it was charged with electricity and that wasn't necessarily a bad feeling. I leaned my head back and looked away trying to muster up the courage to actually do it. I knew people who had done it and they felt better afterwards. But why? Why did I have to resort to something like this to feel better? I couldn't do it after all. I had tried and failed again. But I needed to feel better I needed a way out and this could be my escape.

I looked back down at the knife in my hand and pressed it into my flesh drawing a few drops of blood, but I didn't feel anything. That little bit wasn't good enough, I needed to feel something. I picked up the knife and moved it about half an inch up my arm. I pressed the knife against my flesh but paused and didn't break the skin. What was I doing? I could seriously hurt myself, but the hope that I might feel was tantalizingly close and I needed to hold on to that hope any way that I could, this was the only way I could think of I had no more options.

I took a deep breath preparing myself for another slice that, hopefully, would make me feel something. I tightened my grip on the knife, the muscles in my arm tensing. As I began pressing he knife into my skin once again a loud ringing unexpectedly filled my room and my hand slipped, cutting deeper than I thought I could. I was overcome with pain and closed my eyes but then a wave of pleasure crashed over me and I smiled opening my eyes again and looking at my phone. Guess who had texted me. Now this is what my English teacher would call ironic. The one person who would care enough to make me stop in the first place was now the one who had caused the damage that was giving me oh so much pleasure.

It may seem twisted, and I guess it is, but wouldn't you do anything you could to feel better? It wasn't that bad as a last resort, at least I was still alive. I cupped my hand over the wound which was bleeding profusely. The blood seeped through my fingers and began dripping down my arms. It may feel good but this was going to make a huge mess. I opened my door as quietly as I could, leaving behind a few drops of blood on the doorknob. No sign of my parents meant it was safe leave my bedroom, they must have been sleeping still.

I closed and locked the bathroom door behind me and turned the knob next to the sink starting the flow of cold water. Putting my arm under the water I held my breath waiting for the initial sting to subside. When I had washed all of the blood down the drain I wrapped a bandage around my arm and went back to my room whipping the blood off the doorknob and knife with a tissue. I hid the knife under my pillow; there it would serve two purposes. If I needed a little pick-me-up and couldn't go the kitchen without unwanted attention, or if my dad figured out how to pick my lock or kick the door in I would now have some form of defense.

By this point I had completely forgotten about Kyle's text that had caused so much blood. I put my parka on to hide the bandages and went to the kitchen in the hopes that we might have some sort of snack that would keep me from starving until I got my next free school lunch. Looking into the fridge I was pleasantly surprised to find some peanut butter that hadn't expired yet and I grabbed it and made myself a sandwich with the last two pieces of stale bread in the house. I put the peanut butter back where I found it and turned around to find my sandwich in the hands of my one and only father. He glared at me as if challenging me to say something. Strangely enough I was tempted to argue with him, it would be a suicide mission, but hey, what did I care? I made the sandwich so it was mine and I was sick and tired of him stealing food from his own son whose welfare he should have been putting before his own.

When I didn't immediately say anything he smirked smugly and turned to walk off to some other part of the house. "That's my sandwich." I growled and those three words made him stop dead in his tracks and stiffen, I had hit a nerve, not like that was hard to do. He turned back towards me and I stared him in the eyes wondering where I had gotten this new found confidence that would end up killing me.

"What did you say to me?" he asked dumbly as if he hadn't quite understood or heard what I said.

I took a step forward and ripped the sandwich from his stunned hands biting off a corner and with a full mouth repeated myself, "This is my sandwich."

He didn't do anything right away and I thought maybe his reflexes weren't as good from the hangover that he was almost definitely suffering from. I took another bite and began walking around him but as he got his senses over the shock he grabbed me by the throat and pushed me back in front of him. I didn't even cringe as I would have in the past, not in the least affected by the physical contact. He pressed his hand into my jugular cutting off my air supply and angrily said, "I don't give a damn what you think is yours. Give me the sandwich if you want to breathe again."

What a loving father right? I had held my breath for long periods of time when swimming but that was different. I didn't want to give in to him but either way he was going to get that damn sandwich, either I would give in and hand it to him or he would kill me and pry it from my dead hands. I could feel my face turning blue and my vision blurred but I didn't let go. You may think that a simple sandwich isn't worth this much but it's not even about the sandwich anymore. At this point I just wanted to prove that my dad was losing control of me, he wouldn't be able to boss me around so easily. I was growing up and realizing that pretty soon I would be able to fight him fairly and quite possibly win and I needed to let him know that.

As my chest tightened in pain I reached my empty hand up to grasp his wrist in the hopes that maybe he would unclench his hand slightly but as bright lights began to flash in front of my eyes I knew he wasn't letting go until he had the god damn sandwich. I unwillingly placed the sandwich in his hand, his other hand remaining at my neck for a few more seconds. When he finally let go I breathed in deeply and glared at him allowing pure hatred to wash over my features.

"Get the hell out of my sight." He ordered eating more of _my_ sandwich. I lingered for a moment before giving in and heading back to my room. There would definitely be more bruises for me to cover up with my hood. At least I got a few bites to eat, a rare occurrence around here. Don't be surprised by the confrontation with my dad, he does stuff like that all the time, I just don't usually challenge his authority like that. At my house it's every man for himself. Kevin was lucky to be out and never have to deal with this again. I was happy for Kevin, he wouldn't be subjected to our father's violence anymore, but he left me alone in the house and now I was the only person for our parents to point their rage at. He did stop by every once and while to take me out to dinner with him, he had a job and apartment and was doing way better on his own then he ever did when he was living with our parents. At least back then we had each other for support.

My relationship with my brother had always been strong but I could feel it fading as he tried to distance himself from his past, I was part of his past so I figured I would be pushed aside soon enough. I layed in bed gingerly rubbing my sore neck wondering why Kevin couldn't take me with him, I don't take up that much space and he wouldn't have to take care of me, I could take care of myself. I just never wanted to come home to this place again. I reached my hand under the pillow and felt that the knife was still there. Good, after my little battle with my father he might decide to reestablish his dominance in the middle of the night and I was fully prepared to fight back.

You want to know what's ironic? For a while I had thought about killing myself. I never actually tried but it was always a thought in the back of my mind. I would always think of how easily I could end it all by doing this or not doing that but I never actually did it. Sometimes I would tell myself that the next time the opportunity arised I would do it but earlier when my life had been threatened by my own father I couldn't let myself die. Isn't it funny how people will talk about doing something so much but when it comes down to it they just can't? Well I couldn't, I guess that just proved that I wasn't supposed to die, not yet anyway.

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Sorry that it wasn't very long, I thought we needed a glimpse of Kenny's home life and there wasn't much else I wanted to write about it, not at this moment anyway. Poor lil Kenny, I'm making things horrible for him. But I have big plans for this story so he must suffer for now. I hope you liked it and that jazz. Review or IM if you'd like, let me know what you thought blah blah blah. I'll be going now, I'll probably be starting chapter 4 later on tonight, I did tell you that I disapear for long.


	4. Promise?

Woo! Another chapter! I have nothing better to do right now. Thanks to everyone who's reading this I appreciate you spending your time on my story. I don't have anything else to say so go ahead and read chapter 4. Oh yea, and sorry if the storie's not moving fast enough for you but it's not gonna be insta-love, although there are a few hints in the story so far. If you didn't realize it by now I don't own South Park but I would love someone to buy it for me on birthday! Hint hint! Sarah I know you're gonna read this so buy South Park for me noa!

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"Dude, where the hell were you last night?" Kyle asked as soon as I showed up at the bus stop.

"What are you talking about?" Did I forget that we had plans or something?

"I texted you and you never answered. I was asking if you were ok since you'd been acting weird all day, I got worried." His eyes showed genuine concern and I smiled. I loved Kyle's eyes, one day when I fell in love with a girl I wanted her to have his eyes, they were beautiful.

"Sorry I didn't notice you texted me." This may not be true but hey I wasn't about to tell him the truth, and I had honestly forgotten.

"Ok, well are you alright?" he asked seeming satisfied with my excuse.

"Yea of course, do I look like something's wrong?"

"Well you did yesterday but you seem happy now, I guess." He looked me up and down as if looking for a crack in the mask I had put on to hide my new little secret. The night before those two cuts weren't the only ones, after my incident with my father I had to bring my spirits back up somehow. I figured if I acted like I used to when I was still happy no one would think something was wrong and no one would find out. You see, I have an addictive personality, once I start something I can easily get addicted and not be able to stop. Whether drugs, alcohol, or cutting I can get addicted and my friends are the only ones who have ever been able to break one of my addictions. They wouldn't find out this one though, I wasn't stopping.

"I guess I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed yesterday." I tried shrugging it off; he was watching me too suspiciously for my liking.

"More like you woke up on the wrong side of the bed for the past 5 years dude." I gave him one of my award winning smiles and he shook his head. "You can't smile your way out of this one McCormick." He then gave me the 'I'm watching you' hand sign and got on the bus that I hadn't seen approaching.

The day went normally enough nothing out of the ordinary happened, all the stupid shit that happened to us when we were kids just seemed to disappear as we got older and we learned to avoid those kinds of situations. When Chad attempted to approach me again in the hallway I just shoved him out of my path and continued on my merry way, I didn't feel like dealing with him and after living through standing up to my dad I guess I felt like I could take on anyone.

As the day progressed my patience began to wear thin. Acting like a normal kid was beginning to get on my nerves but I pulled it off without incident. I should've taken a drama class it seems like I would've been good at it. Kyle was still watching me suspiciously in the classes we had together which pissed me off, I was acting normal what more could he want? I figured it might take him a while to look at me normally, he didn't care _that_ much. Anyway, when I got on the bus my demeanor dropped, I couldn't help but shift anxiously at the thought of being in my room alone once again. I needed my release and it was waiting for me at home, I was so close.

I couldn't wait to once again feel the exhilaration that I got out of the pain. It didn't even make sense to me, I didn't know why it felt so good but damn it did. It was just one of those things you can't explain, it felt so fucking good and that's the end of the story. My impatience grew as the bus pulled away from the school and began dropping kids off at their stops. The lines that trailed up most of my arm were the only thing that got me through the day, the way people would bump into me in the hallway and cause pain to shoot through me would always make a sickening smile spread across my face.

"Dude what the hell is wrong with you?" I turned to the seat across from me where Kyle was staring at me along with Stan who was sitting next to him. One of those smiles had apparently formed on my lips as I gripped my injured arm subconsciously wanting more pain. I looked at my arm and then let go my smile fading into a frown, so much for acting like a normal kid. I looked back at them not sure how to answer Kyle's question, there really wasn't any answer I could give him. If I told the truth then I would be in deep shit, and there really was no reason for me to be wearing such an expression, judging by the looks on their faces I looked creepier than I thought.

They continued to stare at me expectantly and I said the only thing I could think of. "I was just thinking about something. Did you try asking me a question again?"

Kyle shook his head. "Why were you holding onto your arm like that?" That observant bastard, why did he have to notice every abnormal behavior I was portraying lately?

"I don't know." Was the lame excuse I came up with.

"Show me your arm." He said slowly. Fuck, how was he so damn smart? I only did it one time and he's already suspicious of me. How could he possibly know?

"What? Why?" I asked sounding too defensive to be innocent.

"Why not?" Kyle asked watching me closely; Stan just sat there observing the two of us.

"I don't know what you're thinking Kyle but-"

"I think you know exactly what I'm thinking, don't you?" Reverse psychology, he was trying to get me to talk, he really didn't know anything but he thought he could trick me into saying it. He was smart but he couldn't trick me like that. I almost smirked upon discovering this but suppressed it.

"Kyle," I let out a low chuckle of exasperation. "you're so stupid. I think I know what you're assuming. You really think I, Kenny McCormick, would do something that stupid?" I laughed again and shook my head as if this was ridiculous logic.

"Yes."

My face dropped and I looked at him as if I was sad. "Well that's disappointing I would've hoped you thought better of me. Why do you think I would do that?"

"Well it wouldn't be the first stupid thing you've done. Don't tell me you forgot about the cheesing incident?"

"I try not to think about it but that's not the same. I'm trying to stay away from doing anything that could hurt me. Plus, when was the last time I did something like that?" I asked proving a point that I knew to be false.

He thought for a minute and then frowned as if being proved wrong. "Last summer you-"

"Jesus Stan you said you weren't gonna tell him!" I yelled remembering exactly what he was talking about; this would definitely damage my credibility.

"What's he talking about Kenny?" Kyle asked looking between the two of us.

"Nothing." I growled giving Stan a death glare.

Kyle turned to his best friend and waited for him to tell the story. Stan gave me a look that said he was sorry and began explaining. "Over the summer there was that party that you didn't go to because your mom wouldn't let you but we went since we had nothing better to do. They had beer there and we said we would only have a drink each but, I'm not really sure what happened, we drank a lot more than just one. Kenny," he pointed to me "drank so much that he puked and then kept drinking until he passed out. I don't even remember most of the night, do you?"

The question was directed at me so I shook my head at Kyle turned back to me. "I'm disappointed in both of you. Do you know how stupid that was?!" I shrunk in my seat, I always felt worse when Kyle was yelling at me than when either of my parents did. And to make it worse he was using the old 'I'm not angry I'm disappointed' trick. I really needed to get home and be alone after this; it was just depressing me more than I already was.

"Calm down Kyle it's not that big of a deal." Stan tried defending me.

"It is! You know how easily Kenny gets addicted to stuff like that! Are you drinking again Kenny?" Why was Kyle so angry about this?

"That was the last time I drank." I answered truthfully, but apparently Kyle didn't believe that it was the truth. "I swear Kyle I haven't it was just a onetime thing, plus Stan drank five more beers than I did."

"Dude!" Stan yelled obviously not happy that I was trying to force Kyle's anger on him.

"This isn't about Stan I'm talking to you." Stan sighed in relief at this and Kyle rolled his eyes. "I'm worried about you Kenny your mood seems to change spontaneously and you've never been like that. You were always the one who seemed to stay the same you never act weird like this it's like…it's like you're suddenly bipolar or something."

"Gee thanks." I said sarcastically turning away from him to look out the window.

"C'mon Kenny, we're just trying to make sure our friend is ok." Instead of responding to Kyle's last statement I got up and walked off the bus hurrying in the direction of my house.

I slowed my pace as I got about a block away from the bus stop only to feel a hand on my shoulder slowing me further. I shrugged it off and turned to meet Kyle's gaze. "What do you want?" I asked coldly, if he followed me all the way to his house I wouldn't know how long it would take to get him to go home. The possibility that he would come to my house and stay all night only made me wanna be alone more.

"I'm worried about you Kenny, you're not yourself anymore."

"Yea 'cause you would know what I'm really like."

"Well I know you're smarter then you let on. Not a genius mind you, but not a complete idiot."

"Well thanks, I'm glad there's someone who doesn't think I'm a complete idiot." I said reminding myself of what everyone else probably thought only increasing my agitated state.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Was he really that oblivious to what people thought?

"Oh come on, you know what people think. Everyone thinks I'm stupid and that I'm never gonna do anything with my life. People have already decided that I'm gonna be just like my parents." Tears of rage started to fill my eyes and Kyle put a sympathetic hand on my shoulder.

"You know that's not true."

"But it is! I will never be able to go to college so how can I ever do anything of significance?" Why was I telling him this? I hadn't even admitted to myself that I was worried about this. "I'm a failure, I'll end up just like them, angry drunks who can't even afford to by microwave meals, it's not like we even have a microwave anyway." A couple tears fell from my eyes but I quickly wiped them away and stopped anymore from falling. "Just forget about Kyle, you wouldn't understand."

"I know I don't but if you would talk to me about it more then maybe I would."

"I told you to just forget about it, ok?"

"Ok." He paused for a moment. "But if anything happens or you need to talk please promise you will come to me." He forced me to stop talking and look into his eyes, those god damn eyes of his; I could barely get myself to lie to him when I was staring into that emerald gaze of his. I didn't say anything, just nodded in response. I promised myself that if I got any worse, if I decided that I wanted to stop, I would go to Kyle and ask for help, but until then I would keep my feelings to myself.

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Yea I know, not much happened but it's important to know his feelings and such, plus you can see how much Kyle really worries about Kenny. Anyway please review I really do like feedback so I know how I'm doing. Tell if you hate it, love it, whatever you want. Thanks for reading though!! Next chapter will be up...well eventually.


	5. I'll Do Everything That I Can

Ok, so I suck at naming chapters, whatever I don't really care about the chapter names. This is what happens when I'm sick and bored, I write a lot out of boredom. But sorry to disappoint you I'm better now and will have less free time in school, I wish this wasn't true but it is. Anyway, just enjoy the next chapter and I thank you for reading.

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A whole week, Kyle didn't bring the topic back up for a whole week. It was a relief to be left alone at first but I have to admit him invading my privacy didn't bother me all that much; it only meant that he really did care after all. His pestering may have been annoying but I actually liked knowing that he cared, he was my best friend, Stan may have been his best friend and he may have thought that I was only a friend but he was the best friend I ever had and probably one of the only friends I ever had.

As the days in that one week progressed more and more cuts began appearing on my pail arms until I ran out of room. How could I possibly fill up that much space in the short time span of one week? As I ran out of space I began retracing my steps, reopening the still fresh wounds, never giving them a chance to heal. I was going to have some nasty scars, that was obvious, but I didn't care, all I cared about was the adrenaline rush I got from each new slice I made.

One night as I sat on the edge of my bed cutting away my door flew open out of the blue. "Kenny didn't you hear me-" My dad stopped his yelling when he saw what I was doing. I stared at him in horror. He had hurt me worse than I was hurting myself but I was positive he wouldn't be happy about this, he wasn't happy about anything I did, but this? There was no telling what he was going to do. I pulled the sleeves down to cover what I had done even though he had already seen.

I tried coming up with some sort of explanation but there wasn't one. To my surprise my father began laughing. I stared at him in sheer terror, he had started drinking to the point where he was irrational, there was no other way he would be laughing right now, there was nothing to laugh about. "Ya know I should've expected this. My son is a fucking retard." He grabbed me by the shirt and lifted me slamming my back against the wall. He pried the knife from my fingers and waved it threateningly in front of my face. "This is for eating. If you liked pain so much why didn't you just tell me?" He pressed the knife against my cheek and I closed my eyes.

He broke the skin and tears streamed from my eyes in a steady flow that I wasn't sure would ever stop. Self inflicted pain was one thing, but when someone else was causing the pain? That wasn't pleasant in any way; the pain was never replaced with pleasure when it was caused by someone other than myself. Even with my eyes closed I could feel his sinister smile and knew that I needed to get away before he killed me.

I pressed my hands against his chest and forced him off me, this wasn't hard considering he hadn't expected it in his drunken haze. I ran out the door so fast that I slammed into the wall across the hall but continued to run, there was no way I was letting me catch me again. In my own reverie I hadn't heard my father calling for me before he came in, my dreamlike state had caused my defenses to go down without my door being locked and it nearly killed me. I ran out the front door not even bothering to close it behind me I didn't stop until I was a few blocks away. Placing my hands on my knees trying to catch my breath I checked behind me just in case he had followed and kept up.

My nerves began to calm themselves as my breathing slowly went back to normal and it became obvious my father was nowhere in sight. I reached a hand up to check my cheek which was bleeding profusely. The damage was worse than I had thought and I hoped it wouldn't need stitches. A few of the tears that I couldn't seem to make go away dripped into the cut and I gasped from the sting it caused. I straightened myself and my legs dragged me in the direction of my friend's house. I was unwilling to let him find out my secret but there was no one else for me to go to, and I had made him a promise, for some reason the promise I had made to him meant too much for me to just deal with this on my own.

I knocked on the door and began rethinking coming here but it was too late now. As the lock on the door clicked I lowered my head allowing my hair to fall around my face making it impossible for anyone to see. It became obvious that this was the right thing to do when the voice of Sheila Broflovski rang in my ears. "Oh hello Kenny I never see you around here anymore."

"I need to talk to Kyle Mrs. Broflovski." I said trying to keep my voice from cracking; this wasn't as easy as you'd think.

"Well sure, he's in his room go on up but make sure you knock." She told me more cheerfully than I had ever heard her say anything else.

I mumbled a thank you as I trudged past her and up to her son's room. I knocked and it didn't take long for the door to open. "Kenny? Dude what's wrong?" I lifted my tear stained face up to meet his gaze and he gasped looking around the hallway before pulling me into his room and sitting me next to him on his bed for more privacy. "What happened?"

More tears left my eyes and he rubbed my back soothingly. I knew I was supposed to spill my guts to him, I didn't want to but my mental state was in too fragile a condition for me to deal with this on my own, I didn't think I'd ever be able to go home and face my father again, maybe I could leave out the part about me hurting myself. My breath came in short gasps as I became increasingly upset at just bringing the memory back into my head. Kyle waited patiently for me to calm myself down not saying a word just continuing to rub my back and wait. "My dad…" I attempted to start explaining but couldn't get myself to finish as I was overcome by more tears.

"Your dad did this?" he questioned looking at my cheek. I nodded and took a deep breath to calm myself. He inspected the damage my father had caused for a minute. "C'mon we need to get that cleaned up." He gently helped me up off his bed and led me to the bathroom across the hall once he was sure his parents weren't in sight, the last thing I needed was for his mom to find out and make it worse. Once in the bathroom he sat me on the toilet and began digging in his medicine cabinet. I wiped my sleeve across my face to dry the tears that I had momentarily stopped and stained the shirt with the blood that had mixed with my tears.

Kyle came back with a wet cloth and, kneeling down in front of me, gently began dabbing at my cheek to clean it off. It stung a little at first but then went numb; he must have put some sort of medicine on it. I closed my eyes and let him continue what he was doing, both thankful that he had stopped the pain and preventing new tears from falling. I felt him disappear for a moment and my eyes shot open worried that he had left me. He came back with some gauze and gingerly placed it on my cheek.

"You ok?" he asked worry coating his voice. I shook my head and he dragged me back to his bedroom. I felt dead as he guided me over the threshold and closed the door behind us. I wasn't upset that my father had hurt me, I was used to that it happened so many times before, but the fact that he saw me hurting myself and laughed was just proof that he didn't care about me at all. For years I had clung to the hope that maybe, just maybe, somewhere in his heart he actually cared. Now, there was no way I could think that. Seeing the zombielike expression on my face he sat us on his bed again. He didn't question me, didn't utter a single word. He just put his arm over my shoulder in a half-hug and waited for me to be ready to talk on my own. I leaned into his comforting touch and rested my head on his shoulder closing my eyes once again. I didn't want to talk, just sit here and enjoy the feeling that someone cared. He rested his head atop of mine, a reminder that he was there, and I hugged him in return, not yet ready to move or speak.

I hugged him tighter despite the fact that it rubbed the fabric of my long sleeve shirt against my open wounds; I could barely feel that anymore anyway. We must have sat there for a good 15 minutes while I brought my breathing back to normal. I glanced up at him and he smiled back in a way that told me I was safe with him. I nuzzled my uninjured cheek against his shoulder and stared at the carpet. I didn't want to say anything, didn't want to reveal any secrets, but what was I going to do? Go home? No way was I going back there, but there was nowhere else for me to go, and I think Kyle's parents would notice if I started living here. My courage I had a week ago when standing up to my dad was gone along with any confidence I had about living long enough to turn 18.

I took a deep breath and started talking like I knew I would have to eventually. "I don't know what to do." My voice was barely above a whisper but Kyle was close enough to hear every word. I felt Kyle tilt his head and knew he was watching me closely. "How am I supposed to go home?"

He was shaking his head; I wasn't looking at him but I could feel the side to side movement. "Even if you wanted to go home there's no way I would let you go back there."

"I don't have any other family where am I supposed to go? Kevin won't let me live with him and I can't live on my own I'm not 18 yet. There's nowhere for me to go but home and I don't think I can go back. You can stay here until we figure out what to do; I don't care what my mom says I'll convince her to let you."

I whispered a thank you and pulled my arms away from him to play with my fingers in my lap. I couldn't possibly express how thankful I was for Kyle's hospitality but I was worried I wouldn't be able to keep my cutting a secret. I would just have to stop, only for a little while. I might have some time alone where I could get a few cuts in, who knows, I might only stay for one night, it just depended on how things worked out. All I knew was that I wasn't letting Kyle find out if I could do anything about it.

"Kenny, is this the first time you're dad ever hurt you?" Kyle asked sounding almost afraid to hear my answer. I didn't say anything; I didn't want to admit that as far back as I could remember my father had hurt me in some way or another on a regular basis. With the hand that wasn't on my shoulder Kyle lifted my chin to make me look at him. I avoided his gaze and that gave him his answer. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I didn't think you could do anything." I answered averting my gaze as much as I could.

"I'll do everything I can, I swear." He moved his hand from my chin to cup my cheek as if he was trying to protect it from being hurt again. "Is this all he did?" The worry in his eyes nearly made me cry again but I held back.

"That's all he did tonight…" I got the point across and didn't need to explain how often my dad did something like this, by the look on Kyle's face he obviously understood. I could have sworn I saw something that looked like anger flicker across his but it was gone in an instant to be replaced by sadness as he began to stand up, his hang lingering on my cheek a little longer than necessary.

"Well I guess we need to talk to my mom." He said and I nodded standing up next to him. This wasn't going to be easy. It was almost impossible to convince Kyle's mom to do anything. She had a rule that friends couldn't stay over on school nights, no exceptions, not even to work on school projects. I wasn't sure she would let me stay unless we told her why I needed to. What if that's what happened and she started this whole big thing like she did when we were kids? What if Kyle told her and my parents found out? There were so many possibilities that something could go wrong, but Kyle's a smart kid, maybe he would make up some fake story that his mother would actually believe, I certainly hoped so.

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If that's a terrible ending I'm sorry but I had to end it somewhere and it was getting long so I just kinda stopped it. I'm keeping my notes short today so this is the last thing I feel i need said: Please review or Imma cry! (not really but thats not the point) My readers opinions mean so much to me so I want to know what you think! I'll stop begging now cause I'm off to school. I'll update soon.


	6. Happy Place

Yay for fast updates! This chapter is shorter than usual but I personally think it came out very well. I would like to say thanks to everyone who reviewed the story, and Sarah, thanks for reviewing every single chapter, and thanks to everyone else for reading and sticking with the story. Now, go ahead and read your hearts out.

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"Oh my gosh, Kenny, what happened to your face?" Mrs. Broflovski gasped upon seeing me walk into the kitchen with Kyle.

I shook my head and said, "Nothing."

"Mom," Kyle said gaining her attention. "Kenny's gonna stay here for a while. He'll share my room with me, I don't mind, and I think he'll need to borrow some of my clothes." I was surprised, Kyle didn't ask if I was able to stay he just said I was as if it was already a fact and he said it with a strange sort of attitude, I had never heard _anyone_ talk to Mrs. Broflovski like that.

"Well excuse me for interrupting your plans but it's a school night!" I looked at Kyle and he seemed to be thinking but his mom continued with her lecture. "…and what has gotten into your mind that makes you think that you can talk to me like that young man?"

"I'm sorry mom," he said in a sickeningly sweet and completely fake voice. "but Kenny really needs a place to stay. His parents are out of town taking care of a sick aunt and he lost his house key. We don't even know when they'll be able to get back." Kyle…lied? I didn't know he was even capable of lying. It was a pretty good story, his mom couldn't possibly turn me away if what Kyle just said was true, but there was the possibility that she would run into my parents somewhere around town and then we were busted, there was no predicting what would happen if we were caught lying.

"Well if that's the case I don't mind. Dinner's in half an hour so make sure to wash up." She still didn't seem too thrilled about me staying there but at least I now had permission and a cover story.

"Thank you Mrs. Broflovski." I said as I followed Kyle back out of the kitchen.

"Do you want to shower? And you might want to change your clothes." He glanced down at my sleeves which had blood on them from when I whipped my face.

"I guess I'll shower now, but are you sure your clothes will fit me?"

"Of course they will we're almost the same size you're just skinnier so my clothes may be a little big on you." He handed me a towel and a washcloth and I entered the bathroom across the hall from his room. I got in and attempted to keep the water away from my face as much as I possibly could but there was no stopping it from getting on my arms.

A few minutes into my shower there was a knock on the door and I heard Kyle's voice asking if he could come in and I unsurely allowed him to enter. "I thought you would like to get dressed when you were done rather than walk around my house naked. When you're done put your clothes in my closet and come downstairs I'll be watching TV." His voice came again, sounding as if he was right next to me, but then there was the click of the door and he was gone once again. I quickly washed up and within 10 minutes I was dropping my clothes into his closet and heading downstairs to sit next to Kyle on his couch.

"How's your cheek?" Kyle asked as soon as I sat down.

"I guess it's alright." I shrugged.

He began peeling back part of the bandage and inspecting my cheek again. "It doesn't look like you got any water or soap in it so it should be fine. It doesn't hurt anymore does it?" I told him it didn't and he smiled in a motherly way. "Good." He replaced the bandage and I managed a small smile that didn't stay on my face for long. After the smile faded I must have looked upset because he lightly patted my back and said, "Don't worry Ken everything will be alright." I certainly hoped he was right. "Now I want a real smile out of you mister." He poked me in the side and I immediately began laughing. He was probably the only person who knew that, no matter how lightly, if someone pokes me in the side I just can't help but laugh even if I'm in a terrible mood. "That's much better." He laughed along with me. What would I do without Kyle? That little Jew somehow knew everything about me and used this knowledge to his benefit whenever he wanted.

"Boys dinner's ready." Mrs. Broflovski said from the doorway between the kitchen and living room and I wondered how long she'd been there, I had a strange feeling she had seen our short little conversation. I saw a knowing smile on her face but decided not to question it. I hadn't even noticed her come in and I didn't think Kyle saw her either, which was a little strange but once again I just ignored the questions that popped into my head. She turned and walked back into the kitchen to set the food on the table. We got up and followed behind her, Kyle taking his usual seat and motioning for me to sit in the chair next to him.

Dinner was quiet, sure everyone talked a bit but we mostly kept to ourselves and ate our food. I had a few questions aimed at me about the sick aunt that I didn't have and had to make up random lies on the spot. When I wasn't being questioned I mostly pushed my food around on my plate, it's not that I don't like pan baked macaroni and cheese I just didn't feel like eating too much. Kyle kept shooting me glances that told me he was about to yell at me to eat more so I ate everything his mom had put on my plate and when I looked up at him he smiled at me in satisfaction.

"Now, Kenny, Kyle, I feel I need to remind you that it is a school night and I want you two asleep by 10:00, this isn't a vacation this is a temporary situation." Mrs. Broflovski droned on as she cleared the dirty dishes off the table and Kyle rolled his eyes behind her back. I don't know where she got the vacation idea from but it did feel like I always imagined a vacation would be like, a nice place to sleep and plenty of food, that was my idea of a vacation.

Kyle's younger brother and father left the table to disappear into their rooms and we were still stuck there being lectured about the importance of sleep and school. "Yes mom! We understand already, can we just go watch some TV? We'll be in my room by 10 and we know we still have school." Kyle half yelled. I almost wanted to laugh; it was always amusing when Kyle got temperamental. Surprisingly, rather than yell at Kyle for his attitude Mrs. Broflovski waved us out of the kitchen and we practically ran out of there.

We did as Kyle said we would, we were in his room by 10, but he never said we would be asleep. We layed in his bed with the lights out in case his mom decided to come in and make sure we were sleeping. It was amazing that we could comfortably fit both of us on his bed, sure we were a little close together, but it was comfy nonetheless. For nearly two hours we both lay awake talking randomly about little insignificant things and keeping the mood on the lighter side. By the time Kyle fell asleep I felt strangely calm and relaxed, I hadn't felt this way for such a long time, and one night with Kyle seemed to fix everything and put me back together. I smiled as I began thinking of the good old days, back when we were kids and the only important thing seemed to be watching Terrance and Phillip, we didn't have a care in the world. Back then we had nothing to worry about, nothing seemed to affect us and we were always carefree, I felt like that now. Lying next to Kyle's sleeping form I felt just about as peaceful as I had back when we were kids and didn't care what was going on in the world. You know how people will tell you to 'go to your happy place' when you're in a bad situation? This was mine. I was in a bad situation but this moment was my own little happy place and I never wanted to leave.

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Good? I'm pretty proud of it. I'll update the story again soon, as you know I have no life and can practically write a whole chapter just during history class, no one pays attention anyway. Thanks again for reading!


	7. Let's Skip

Ok, so I had some issues with uploading this but I finally got it done with the help of my friend Sarah! Also, the credit for the creation of the word asshat which is used in this chapter goes to Sarah so everybody clap for her! Ok anyway...{insert disclaimer here}

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I woke up when Kyle turned the light on; I hadn't even heard his alarm go off. To my pleasant surprise I hadn't had any nightmares. At least I wouldn't call it a nightmare, I dreamed about school, nothing special, but some people are stupid enough to call it scary. I looked at Kyle who was across the room trying to rub the sleep out of his eyes. I yawned and rolled onto my stomach trying to fall back asleep but, of course, Kyle wouldn't let me.

"Kenny get up." When I didn't move he came over and slapped my back to make sure I was awake.

"Five more minutes." I mumbled into the pillow.

"No get up now." I looked up with pleading eyes; I was exhausted and didn't feel like moving at all. Kyle looked like he was about to give in but instead he shook his head. "Just get up now Kenny." He sighed and I rolled out of bed reluctantly. We went downstairs for breakfast and got ready for school but were still late to the bus stop somehow. I didn't have any of my school stuff but Kyle gave me a notebook I could use to take notes.

We arrived at the bus stop last and the fact that I hadn't come from the direction of my house, was with Kyle, and wearing his clothes didn't go unnoticed. Cartman began laughing and we all waited for him to talk, knowing full well he was about to say something to make Kyle angry. "Hey Stan, I think the gay couple spent the night together!"

"Shut up fatass! We're not gay!" Kyle yelled turning a dark shade of red making Cartman laugh more. Kyle began yelling at Cartman, who continued to laugh, I inched away from him and towards Stan, it felt safer over there for the moment.

"He does have a good point." That was Stan's way of asking for an explanation.

I sighed, if I didn't give him an answer he would bother me about it repeatedly or just assume something that's really untrue. "I just can't go home right now so Kyle convinced his mom to let me stay with them. I don't want to talk about it." I added the last part when he looked like he wanted a more extensive explanation. I didn't hear Kyle yelling anymore, just Cartman, and I looked over to see Kyle giving me a concerned look. I gave him a quick smile to tell him I was fine and he continued yelling at Cartman for calling him a stupid Jew.

I really didn't want to go to school, no one ever did, but I just wasn't in the mood today. Stan finally broke up the fight and I grimaced at the sight of the bus off in the distance. Kyle came to stand next to me as Stan took over his spot of yelling at Cartman. "You don't look too thrilled about going to school."

I looked at him and put my hands in my pants pockets gloomily. "That's probably 'cause I'm not."

He seemed to be considering something for a second. "Then let's skip." I continued to stare at him but now in shock. Was I hearing him correctly? "You could use a break from all of the shit that goes on in school and I don't care about my attendance. We can go see the new Terrance and Phillip movie." We probably should have outgrown such a childish show but we still watched it from time to time. "Unless you're looking forward to Mags yelling at everyone for not reading last night." When I knew he wasn't just joking I quickly agreed and we slipped away without Stan or Cartman even noticing, the last thing I heard of their fight was Stan yelling something about Cartman being an 'asshat' or something along those lines. "We didn't have a very big breakfast this morning, let's go to IHOP." Kyle suggested once we were free of the obligation to go to school.

I hungrily agreed, Kyle hadn't noticed but I hadn't eaten a single bite of my cereal this morning, I just didn't like whole milk. At IHOP we chatted about normal stuff, it was just useless conversation while we enjoyed our endless pancake feast. When we first entered we were questioned by the manager about why we weren't in school but Kyle, being as smart as he is, told yet another lie that there was a teacher's convention and we had the day off, you would never imagine how amazing it was to watch his smarts in action. It was an enjoyable breakfast and by the time we left we had each eaten our own weight in pancakes.

We walked over to the movie theatre to find the same ticket guy that had always been working there sitting in his booth looking almost bored to death. He didn't seem to take much notice of his movements as he gave us tickets, which Kyle paid for since I didn't have any money, and we made our way into the empty theatre taking seats in the very middle. After 10 long minutes of beginning credits the movie started, but I just couldn't get into it. The movie was funny and all but I just didn't laugh and I began to question whether or not I was bipolar. My mind just wouldn't let me enjoy the movie and I cursed it, all I wanted to do was laugh at the immaturity of the jokes that really weren't all that funny but somehow we still found amusing.

Random thoughts ran through my head, most of them incoherent ramblings. A strange tightening sensation gripped my stomach and crept into my chest as my thoughts diverted to all of the events of the past few days. My head began to ache and I felt as if I was going through another withdrawal. I looked down at my arms as they were struck by a pins-and-needles sensation and I immediately knew what my body wanted. In the short time of one week I had gotten this addicted to self harm, I had gone through withdrawal before, like I said I have a very addictive personality, and the only way to feel better was to fall back on my addiction, otherwise I would just feel worse. I couldn't do anything about it though; Kyle would surely find out if I did anything, it was surprising he hadn't noticed what was already there. I started scratching my arms in the hopes that a tiny bit of pain would hold me over until I was able to inflict more damage.

My headache subsided slightly and I thought about what I was really doing. Kyle sat completely oblivious of the questions I was asking myself but didn't want to answer. Why did I always get so absorbed in such stupid self-satisfying endeavors? I didn't even see how this would be worth it in the end but the thought to stop never crossed my mind, I didn't have it in me to stop anyway. I wasn't doing that much damage was I? This certainly wasn't as bad as any of my earlier addictions, and I was able to think clearly through the sick thrill I was achieving. But was it really any better? There was more evidence, that was true, but I was putting myself in less danger this time. I also felt slightly better that my inner turmoil was now projected on the outside as physical scars, it was a twisted feeling but it was how I truly felt.

I didn't want to die, that wasn't it at all. I wasn't that selfish, I knew I had friends and I didn't want to cause them any pain like that. Even if I wanted to die I wouldn't be able to kill myself, I wouldn't be able to stand not having Kyle around when I needed him. I guess you could say I was starting to get addicted to Kyle's presence and it didn't seem like I would ever be able to move on if I lost that sense of comfort and just the simple fact that somebody actually cared. Out of my few friends Kyle was the one who took the time to ask me if I was alright whenever I was feeling down, not to mention he had uncanny ability to read me like a book. Simply put he had always been there when I needed him most and I always wanted him there no matter what happened. It may sound weird, and I'm not sure if it's even possible, but I was addicted to Kyle.

There was a very big difference between my two addictions. The cutting gave me a short-lived rush but there were so many possibilities where it could go wrong. On the other hand I could enjoy Kyle's presence for hours on end without a single drawback. Even when he wasn't around a single thought that included him could easily brighten my day just a little bit more. It was weird I had no idea why he had so much control over the way I felt but he did, he probably didn't even realize it either.

I let out an audible sigh causing the little Jew sitting next to me look up and catch my eye. Did he realize how one look from him could stop me dead in my tracks, make me think about things I've never thought, feel things I've never felt? I had never really thought about it before that second, but it was true, when I was around him I felt like I could stop time itself just so I could pay more attention to him and the feeling confused me. He was just my friend, why was I thinking about him so much anyway? I wasn't gay was I? No, definitely not. There was no way in hell I was gay! Although I hadn't had a girlfriend in years, but that wasn't the point, I just wasn't gay.

Somebody once told me that denial was the first step to love, but that was ridiculous and there was no way it applied to this situation. Plus, it wasn't denial if it wasn't true anyway, was it? I shook my head vigorously, forgetting that Kyle had diverted his attention to me earlier and he raised a questioning eyebrow. Oh, shit. What was I going to say? If I told him I was just thinking he would ask what about and pressure me into telling him. I couldn't possibly tell him any of the thoughts I was having; especially not the fact that I had questioned my sexuality, even for one second, and what made it worse was that I was thinking of him when I began to question it. Oh my god…did I just admit to myself that I may be gay for _Kyle_? Yes that's exactly what I admitted; these thoughts were going to kill me one day I just knew it. I didn't say anything just stared at him feeling my face heat up at the thoughts that wouldn't leave me alone. He leaned forward and I leaned back not wanting him to see the reddening of my face.

There was a tense silence that not even the loud voices of the movie could penetrate, maybe I was the only one who felt tense but then again I was the only one with something to hide. In this time of nerve-wracking silence I could tell Kyle was trying to read my features, meanwhile I was trying to calm myself so he wouldn't be able to. It was almost as if we were having a silent mental battle that would decide who got possession of my thoughts. He couldn't find out, I wouldn't allow it, if he did it could ruin our entire friendship and that wasn't something I could live through.

"What are you thinking about?" Damn, he asked the one question I didn't want to answer, why did he have to be so intuitive?

"Nothing I'm just watching the movie." I lied pathetically, he could easily disprove this but how else was I going to respond to his question? Tell the truth? Pfft no way!

I watched Kyle roll his perfect green orbs, there must be something I do when I lie that only he notices because he was the only one who could catch me in every single lie I told them. "Kenny, we've been close friends for, what, 12 years now? I don't know exactly it was before we could count; but you think I wouldn't be able to tell when you're lying? Something's bothering you again and I want to know what so tell me. Don't try to say you're watching the movie; you haven't looked at the screen once in the past half hour."

I felt like I was backed into a corner and wasn't sure what to say. I shrunk down into my seat and looked anywhere but at him. I had the urge to tell him everything, it was on the tip of my tongue but I bit back the words that I said I would never speak to anyone. I stole a glance at my friend to find him waiting patiently but expectantly, could he tell I wanted to talk? Well I wasn't even attempting to hide it anymore; I bit my bottom lip contemplating my options, but there really weren't any. I could either tell him or not and not telling him didn't seem like much of an option, he would inevitably force all of my secrets right out of me and I should've known that the minute I went to him for help.

"I know you may not want to talk but I think you would feel better if you did. I just want to know what's wrong so I can help you Kenny." Kyle said sympathetic of a situation he didn't even fully understand.

"I just…I'm not ready to talk about it." I finally spoke truthfully.

I turned my head to judge his reaction only for him to place a soothing hand over my still-damaged cheek and something told me that this was his way of protecting me from further pain and I felt even safer with him than I already had. "I understand, but please tell me as soon as you feel you can." I gazed into those emerald eyes and gave a slight nod. He didn't move his hand away just watched me slowly take a few deep breaths as my thoughts focused on his skin touching mine. I could have easily told him if it weren't for my worries on what he would think of me. He would just have to wait until I had the courage to tell him.

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Well thanks for reading, I'm almost done with chapter 8 already so you won't have to wait long for that. I'll have more conflict in the next chapter sorry if you found this one unexciting. Oh yea, I just recently realized that Kenny has a little sister...I completely forgot about her...but because there's no way I'm going back and changing anything let's just pretend she doesn't exist ok? At least she doesn't in my story, just like Kenny doesn't die repeatedly, it's something that I made different...I guess?


	8. I'm Sorry

Yay! Chapter 8! I wrote it all in one day, we weren't doing anything in any of my classes at school, so this is the result of my boredom. I hope it's good and that you like it but I'm not going to say too much because it's 1 in the morning and I need to get some sleep for school tomorrow.

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In the time span of 2 weeks I still hadn't collected the courage to tell Kyle anything, not a single thing. I was still cutting, the only difference was now I felt bad afterwards, yes there was still that rush that I had liked at first but it only led to more pain in the end. I couldn't help but feel like I was betraying Kyle by not telling him. He wasn't verbally pushing me to tell him anything anymore, although some of the side glances he directed towards me at random times made me feel like he was forcing himself not to say something. On a good note I was getting used to living at Kyle's house and his family didn't seem to mind me staying there either. Surprisingly enough Kyle's parents hadn't run into my parents at all yet so, put simply, everything was going pretty good, the only thing that was wrong was my fixation with pain. I tried to stop, I really did, I tried my best but it got to be too much for me to handle on my own and that's when it got even worse. As my self-loathing grew from my new failure the number of thin, precisely carved lines grew to an uncountable number as I moved from my wrists to include my upper arms as well.

I made the mistake of glancing at the mirror that was slowly fogging over and my eyes were locked onto the sight before them. Cut after cut ran up my arms, some newer than others, some beginning to heal, some from just moments ago and still bleeding. I placed my hand over the razor on the counter next to the sink and kept my eyes locked onto my reflection. In order to keep my secret from Kyle I had resorted to cutting before I took a shower, that way no one would find out. When the mirror fogged over, making my image unintelligible, I lifted my arms to look at them directly. I was so ashamed of what I had done but I couldn't stop. That's all I wanted to do, stop, but my failed attempt discouraged me from trying on my own again. After the movie with Kyle I had decided to tell him but I had yet to actually do it. I was beginning to become angry with myself and I wasn't exactly sure where this anger came from. I glared at the ugly marks on my arms wishing there was a way to just make them disappear. I couldn't even remember why I had first started, where did I get the idea anyway? If only I hadn't started my life would be going smoothly by this point but considering I couldn't go back in time and stop myself from starting I just had to find some way to deal with the situation.

I ran a bloody hand through my hair frustrated with myself and all of the stupid decisions I had ever made. Why should I even try to stop anymore? I would just end up getting addicted to something else and it would probably be something worse, so what's the point in trying? What would Kyle do? The question made me pause in my thoughts. What would Kyle do? I asked myself again. He's too smart; he never would have done something so stupid in the first place! The question I really wanted to know was what he would think if he walked in right now and saw everything. Would he freak out and think I'd gone crazy? Would he go tell his mom everything he knew? What if he did tell her? I would end up somewhere on the streets if he told. I had no way of knowing how he would react because I wasn't a mind reader and I couldn't see the future, I could only guess.

No matter how paranoid my thoughts would get when I would think about telling Kyle my shameful secret I still had to tell him. At the pace I was going to try to muster up the courage it would be another few weeks before I could force myself to even think of what to say. I stepped into the shower and didn't even flinch at the sting that I had gotten so used to. I had to do it, I had to force myself to tonight or else I would never get help. I dragged out my shower as long as I possibly could procrastinating the conversation that I would soon have to start. I got out and dressed slowly, still trying to give myself time to back out but I wasn't giving up, I _had_ to tell him that's all there was to it, no turning back.

When I entered Kyle's room he was sitting at his desk writing something for English class. "Hey, um, K-Kyle…c-can I talk to you?" I stuttered quietly somewhat hoping he wouldn't hear me.

"Yea, of course. What do you wanna talk about?" he asked without even looking up from his paper.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner and I tried to stop but I can't, I need your help." He turned in his chair and looked up at me I couldn't continue talking; I just couldn't seem to remember what I was planning on saying so I couldn't say anything.

"You're not doing drugs again are you?" When I shook my head he looked relieved but quickly looked concerned once again. "Then what are you talking about?" I took a deep breath and forced one of my sleeves up my arm and held it out for him to see. I looked away not wanting to see the look on his face once what I was showing him registered in his brain. "Kenny?" I couldn't help but look at him when he said my name and I felt my heart begin to crack at the sad expression on his face. He looked hurt, as if I had cut him not myself. Tears that I could no longer hold back began to flow from my eyes.

"I'm sorry Kyle! I wish I could stop but I can't! I tried and it didn't work. I just can't stop. Please don't hate me, that would kill me, you mean too much to me, you don't understand. I need your help, I know I should've told you sooner but I was afraid of what you would think." I rambled as my face became wetter by the second.

I opened my mouth to continue but was interrupted when I heard my own name, funny how one word from that boy could make me forget what I was going to say. "I could never hate you so don't say that. It just hurts to see someone I care so much about in so much pain. I'll help you however I can but I'm not really sure what to do." I lost him after he said it hurt, that was just too much to take in; I hadn't meant to hurt him. The tears came faster now and I dropped to my knees unable to support myself any longer. When he said that I had hurt him it nearly killed me. My breaths came in short gasps between sobs; I couldn't stand the fact that I had hurt him. "Kenny calm down, you need to breathe." Kyle was suddenly on the floor next to me with his hands on either side of my face making me look at him with my blurred vision. "Just take a deep breath, it's gonna be okay, I'm right here with you." He told me calmly. My vision cleared slightly allowing me to see that he was still upset, causing my tears to renew themselves. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his chest in an attempt to comfort me and stop the seemingly endless flow of tears. "You're torturing yourself with something aren't you? You need to stop or I'm gonna cry too." I did what he said; I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself, if I let him shed a single tear over me my heart would shatter into a million pieces.

"Please don't cry…I'm not worth it." I managed to say once I steadied my breathing.

"Don't say that Kenny."

"But it's true."

"No, it's not true, not at all. I don't ever want to hear you say that again." He squeezed me tighter in what seemed to be a protective maneuver. I reached up and gripped his shirt to pull myself closer, when he had hugged me I realized that the closer to him I got the better I felt. He pulled his arms away from me, lifted my arm attempting to pull the sleeve up more. I guess he I was checking to see if there was more than what I had showed him. When my sleeve didn't move he seemed to get frustrated before he ended up gripping the bottom of my shirt and pulling it over my head that was wet from a combination of the shower and my own tears. He ran his fingertips just above my skin from my shoulders all the way down to my wrists. "Why'd you do it Kenny?" I had just calmed myself down but he looked like he was holding back tears of his own and for some reason my heart felt like it was being ripped apart.

"I honestly don't remember why I did at first, but now I can't stop, it's worse than any drug I ever tried." I answered truthfully, I really couldn't remember.

"Well don't worry I'll get you help if it's the last thing I do." He told me with determination shining bright in his eyes; he really did care about me after all.

I hugged Kyle once again, not even caring that it may be a little weird without my shirt on. "Thank you so much, you're the best friend I could've ever asked for; I don't know what I did to deserve you." My words came out softer than I had wanted but they still had the same meaning.

"You didn't need to do anything." Kyle surprisingly hugged me back and he didn't seem to find it weird at all. To my even greater surprise I felt a pair of lips press against the top of my head and a warm feeling filled my stomach, it wasn't a bad feeling so I didn't protest. The moment didn't seem weird at all, normally I would have freaked out but it just seemed right. Kyle had somehow managed to make me feel better and I was grateful but I had no idea how he would be able to help me stop and I had the terrible feeling that he didn't know either.

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Well, this has to end somewhere so what better place? I'll have a lot of free time in school tomorrow so if I'm in a writing mood then I may have the next chapter up by tomorrow...cross your fingers!


	9. Why!

This is officially the penultimate (second to last) chapter. I was actually planning to make this story longer but well...this is it. {Insert disclaimer here}

Warning: This chapter is sad. If you don't think it's sad then...there's something wrong with you!!! Ahem, anyway, enjoy.

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"Just once."

"No."

"Please!"

"No!"

"But…it hurts!"

"I don't care." Kyle said flatly, we had been fighting like this for almost ten minutes and he continued to stand his ground.

"But Kyle…" I whined.

"Stop it Kenny. You need to find something to do whenever you feel like cutting to distract yourself." I had an idea of what would distract me and as I thought about it I looked away from him. For some reason Kyle was almost constantly in my thoughts and I had started to accept it rather than fight it. Now that Kyle knew everything there was no way for me to hide anything from him, telling him only made it easier for him to get inside my head and he always seemed to know what I was thinking. He glanced up from the book he was reading. "What's that look for?" I hadn't even known I was staring at him until he said something.

I shrugged. "I'm just trying not to think about it."

"How's that workin' for ya'?"

"Not so well." Kyle finally looked up at me over his book. "I just can't stop thinking about it."

"Then watch TV or something." He went back to reading _Wuthering Heights_.

"There's nothing good on TV." For a Friday night there was surprisingly little to watch.

"What do you want me to do Kenny?" He asked getting annoyed.

"Distract me." I whined, it really did hurt to think about cutting now that it was something I couldn't do.

He put a book mark into the book and slammed it shut; he always found it irritating when someone interrupted his reading. "Nazi Zombies?" I nodded my head in excitement at the mention of my favorite game. Nazi Zombies is a part of Call of Duty 5, everybody forgot about it when the 6th game came out but I still found it to be my favorite part of the game. Kyle turned on the Xbox and came back with two controllers.

I looked down at his controller then back up at Kyle. Was he serious? "Dude, why is your controller pink?"

His face turned the same light shade as the controller, god he was adorable when he blushed. "My mom bought my controllers and she liked the pink one so…"

"Bullshit, you're lying. You like pink?" Whenever he lied he got this weird look in his eyes, almost like he felt guilty so it was easy for me to tell whether or not he was telling the truth. He nodded his head and looked away probably thinking I was about to make fun of him. "You are too cute." I hadn't actually meant to say it, but I did without even noticing. I pressed play and the game started, but Kyle went down on round one and I realized he wasn't paying attention; he was staring at me with an expression I didn't recognize. "What?" I blinked at him honestly not noticing what I said.

"You just…called me cute." It didn't seem like it really bothered him at all, he just looked very surprised.

"I…um I…" I tried thinking of something to say and no good excuse came to me so I just blurted out the truth. "You kinda are there's no denying it."

He didn't seem to know what to say, he just looked at me with those perfect green eyes making my face turn the same shade as his. "You really mean that?" he questioned, now it was my turn to nod and look away as the redness of my face darkened even more. I was so stupid, how could I have actually told Kyle I thought he was cute? I really needed to watch what I said, if I let some of my other thoughts pass through my lips then it would be even worse and I was feeling pretty awkward with just cute. Yea that's right, I thought about Kyle as more than a friend in increasing amounts, I just couldn't help it anymore. "Well thank you." He giggled a bit, sounding like a girl.

I shoved my controller towards him saying, "I don't want to play this anymore."

"Ok? Try making up your mind sometime Kenny." He put the controllers next to the Xbox and turned it off. He picked his book up off the floor and sat down next to me, so close that he was practically sitting on my lap. Was he doing this on purpose? If he was I would kill him. At least he had successfully distracted me but this subject tortured me mentally whereas the subject of cutting tortured me physically and I wasn't quite sure which form of torture was worse.

Kyle buried his nose in the book and once again I was sitting there in silence watching the boy read. As boring as this may seem to any normal person I didn't mind it all that much, he always looked so focused when reading, I loved it when he got that serious look on his face. I began to feel uncomfortable with my own thoughts and his closeness didn't make it any better. He didn't seem to notice how close he was, but how could he not notice? He was basically sitting on top of me! "Umm Kyle?" I asked feeling slightly awkward he looked at me with one of those 'what do you want now?' looks. I swallowed and mumbled a "Never mind." afraid I might say something to set off his temper.

I looked around trying to find something other than Kyle or cutting that could occupy my thoughts, it was just my luck that I couldn't find anything to think about. My thoughts took a turn for the worst and I couldn't bring them back to Kyle no matter what I did.

Kyle was suddenly right in my face holding my hands to his chest as if he was trying to protect them. "Don't scratch your arms Kenny. You're gonna hurt yourself again." I was scratching my arms again? Ever since I stopped cutting I had unconsciously started scratching my arms whenever I thought too much. If I haven't said it already Kyle was very close, so close in fact that I could feel the tingle of his breath on my face and the heat coming off of his body made me feel strangely comfortable.

"I'm sorry Kyle, I didn't realize-"

"I know you didn't." he interrupted my apology. "I'm not mad or anything I'm just worried." I could already feel it coming; we were going to have one of those moments that always seem to bring people closer together. "I know you're not usually doing it on purpose but whether you're hurting yourself on purpose or by accident I'm gonna stop you and I honestly don't give a damn if you want me to or not." He looked determined to save me from myself, but why did he care? A smile slowly crept across my face, no one had ever said anything like that to me and if anyone talked to me with the tone he used I probably would have punched them in the face. But this was Kyle, he could talk to me however he wanted and my brain would somehow find it cute.

"Thank you Kyle." That's all I could think to say, no words could possibly express my gratitude.

"You don't need to thank me, I want to help you." He really did care a lot, sometimes I think he cared too much for his own good. He was still so close, I could have easily leaned forward an inch or so and claimed his lips as my own. I considered it, and I wish I could tell you that I did it but I didn't, I was too scared of rejection. I instead pulled him onto my lap and held him in a hug that I never wanted to end. He seemed unsure for a moment before he smiled and hugged back. My heart was racing, it was just a simple hug but that simple gesture made me feel so happy, only Kyle could make me this happy.

:.:One Week Later:.:

I hadn't cut in a full week, not even one slip up, and everything was looking better for me than it ever had. Kyle helped me tell his mom everything that happened, I mostly cowered behind him in fear, but I still told her. When I finished talking she announced that she had decided that I would live with them until I was 18 and could live on my own, I was so happy; this meant I could see Kyle every day until my 18th birthday.

I still had a few things that I needed to get and bring to Kyle's house, so the Saturday after his mom decided I would officially live with them I walked out of Kyle's house, with Kyle right next to me of course, on my way to collect the few personal items I had. I held onto Kyle's hand feeling nervous but safe with Kyle by my side. I had been doing stupid little things like this, holding his hand or calling him cute, but Kyle didn't object even once. I figured something out, whenever I called Kyle cute or got really close or hugged him(I did all of these things quite frequently), Kyle would turn beat red and I found this to be the cutest thing in the world. He was cuter than a kitten, and that may sound gay but that's because…well…I'm gay.

I walked a little closer to Kyle, he glanced at me as his face turned the perfect pink shade I loved so much and once again didn't argue. There was a look on his face that I thought meant he felt awkward when I had first seen it, but no I'm pretty sure it meant he liked it, he got the same look on his face when his mom made his favorite kind of chocolate cake. Funny how he reacted to me the same way he reacted to cake, maybe this meant I was a type of dessert to him. No matter what the look meant it was absolutely adorable and I loved being the cause of this reaction, except when he had cake of course.

I never imagined I would look at a guy and have the word 'adorable' pop into my head but that was all I could think whenever I looked at Kyle. I was planning on telling him very soon, maybe as soon as Sunday, but I was feeling better and now all I wanted to do was tell Kyle how I felt about him and hope he felt the same way. I looked at him again and the word 'cute' popped into my head again. Whenever I touched him I felt something close to an electric shock where our skin came in contact, but it was a good feeling, nothing at all like actually being electrocuted, that just hurt. Kyle never hurt me, only that time he said he might cry over me but that was unintentional.

We arrived at our destination without me even realizing we had been walking that long, I always lost track of time when thinking about Kyle. "Stay out here, I don't want you to go inside in case they're angry." I told Kyle once we reached the door.

"What if they hurt you?" He looked scared at the concept of me getting hurt so a smiled reassuringly.

"If I'm not back in 10 minutes come in after me." I kissed the top of his head purely out of impulse and walked into the house without knocking, I didn't feel it was necessary. The living room seemed abandoned so I headed upstairs and quickly collected my things; I only had one bag total not including my backpack which only had school stuff in it.

I was back at the front door after 7 minutes and thought I had made it out without incident, that is until I heard a clicking noise and a sickeningly familiar voice say, "Where the hell do you think you're going?" I turned around to face the source of all my pain but wasn't met with the site I was expecting. My dad was standing there, yes, but the gun he held pointed in my direction is what made me drop my bag in surprise. "You're _my_ son, not theirs _mine_. That means you live here, not at some other person's house!" I wanted to argue, tell him he should have treated me like his son if he thought that, but the weapon in his hand made me clamp my mouth shut holding back all the hateful words I could have yelled. "Nothing to say? Well then go put your stuff back in your fucking room, if your mom was here right now she probably would've killed you already. Running away from home, that's a disgrace, I can't believe you insulted your mom like that! We'll figure out how to deal with you when she gets home. Are you deaf or something, move your ass!"

I stayed rooted to the spot I was standing in conflicted between listening and living for now and attempting to run out the door which most likely wouldn't end well. Before I could decide Kyle walked in, I guess my ten minutes was over. I could tell he was going to say something but he shut his mouth when he saw what was going on. "You have got to be kidding me. Get out of my house! Go the fuck home!" My dad yelled not at all happy to see him, I wasn't too happy that he walked in either; he could get hurt if he stayed here.

Kyle shook his head. "I'm not leaving without Kenny." That idiot, he had the chance to leave, to get out of there unharmed, but he didn't.

My dad glared at him, he didn't seem too sure of what to do; he would go to jail if he assaulted someone else's kid. He lowered the gun to his side and grabbed a beer off the coffee table taking a long drink. "This is my house, if I say to leave you have to leave." He said after finishing the beer and tossing the bottle someone to the side.

"Ok." He was leaving, good he wouldn't get hurt, I could find some way out of this on my own. "C'mon Kenny let's go." He just had to add that, he couldn't just get out.

My dad laughed a bit. "You think you're taking him with you? Well if you're so insistent that he not stay here then I have a different solution." Before I could even realize what was going on he lifted his arm, Kyle moved in front of me, and there was a loud bang. Kyle fell back against me and I grabbed onto him as he fell to the ground. I knelt next to him, my brain moving too slow for me to comprehend the situation fast enough.

"Kyle?" I said quickly at first, then as I saw the blood coming from his chest I screamed his name louder than I had ever screamed anything in my life. This was just a dream, this couldn't be possible. Everything was going right nothing was supposed to ruin this. Why Kyle? He didn't do anything except try to help me he didn't deserve to be the one who got hurt. I looked at the pain filled expression on his face and knew I wouldn't be waking up from a terrible dream, I couldn't possibly dream up something this horrible. He stared at me with those eyes that were now lacking the happiness I had seen in them just a half hour ago. His breaths were becoming shorter now, "Kyle you can't die, you won't die, you'll be ok." He shook his head communicating his thoughts without speaking. Sobbing uncontrollably I pulled him close to me in what quite possibly could have been the last hug I would ever give him. I didn't give up the hope that he might live; I needed him he couldn't just be taken away from me like this.

I don't know who called 911, I know it wasn't me, probably a neighbor who heard the gunshot and got concerned, but an ambulance arrived just minutes after Kyle was shot along with a police car. I didn't watch the police arrest my dad; I didn't take my eyes off of Kyle. The paramedics didn't even try to stop me from getting in the ambulance behind Kyle. That surprised me a little but I didn't question it, I just sat in the seat one of the paramedics pointed too and held onto Kyle's hand as if he would die as soon as I let go. At almost the same second the ambulance pulled to a stop in front of the hospital Kyle's eyes closed and his hand went limp in my own causing me to hold my breath as if that would help him.

They took him out of the ambulance and rushed him into the hospital yelling something about needing a crash cart, this time when I tried to follow I was held back and forced to stay in the hallway outside the room they took Kyle into. I leaned against the wall crying not knowing what to do with myself; I shrunk down onto the floor and buried my face into my knees, there was nothing I could do but wait. It seemed like forever before a doctor finally walked out of his room. I looked up at him hopefully, he didn't actually say anything, just shook his head, the one thing I didn't want him to do. I placed my head on my knees again and screamed that it couldn't be true, trying to convince myself that he was lying. He kneeled down in front of me and placed a hand on my shoulder trying to comfort me, but there was nothing that could possibly make this better. He was gone and there was nothing anyone could do to bring him back. He was the only person who really cared about me and he was gone. It should have been me; I'm the one my dad was aiming for so it should have been me! Why did this happen? What did I do to deserve this? What did he do to deserve this? He never did anything wrong but he was gone, and it was all my fault.

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I feel like an asshat...I'm sorry I just had to kill him! I didn't want to but I couldn't help it. I hope I at least wrote it well, remember there's still one more chapter so check back for that it won't take very long for me to write and publish.


	10. Goodbye

Well, here it is! The final chapter! I'm sorry that I got grounded and took two weeks to publish this but better late then never right? Exactly! Thank you all sooo much for actually sticking around and reading the whole story! And thank you to everyone who reviewed, if I didn't get any reviews I probably wouldn't have written this story so quick, even though it feels like I've been writing it forever. Feel free to message me if you want to request that I write something, I'm always looking for new ideas to occupy my time! Anyway, I'll stop rambling now and let you read!

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Standing next to the Broflovski's at Kyle's funeral was strange. We were all crying hysterically, unable to control ourselves as he was lowered into the ground. Its funny how life works out isn't it? When I think about how much time I wasted thinking about how he would react if I told him my feelings rather than actually telling him I want to start crying all over again. After Kyle died I learned from his mom how he felt, I never knew he talked to his mom about that kind of stuff.

Normally, when you find out the guy you like likes you back you feel happy, but considering the guy I liked was now gone because of me it only deepened my guilt. My mind twisted what happened to make me think if I had only told him how I felt, if I had only done _something_ different things may have happened differently and he may still be here. But now, 5 years later, when I really think about it, if I had confessed my feelings for him he probably would have felt even more inclined to save me. Kyle's probably one of the very few people who ever took the phrase 'I would jump in front of a bullet to save you' literally.

You know how people say life is like a box of chocolate? Well, I guess that's true for some people but my life is more like hydrogen gas. It's lighter than oxygen so it can float above the oxygen in the atmosphere; this high time was representative of every moment I spent with Kyle. This sounds nice, being able to float on air, but put the tiniest spark of a flame where the hydrogen and oxygen meet and you get an explosion. That is essentially what Kyle's death felt like; my dad lit a match and made everything blow up in my face.

Mrs. Broflovski kept her promise and let me live with them until I turned 18. They accepted me into their family, even with Kyle's absence. I still visit them, I spend every holiday with them, even the Jewish ones, and I sporadically drop by to say hi and check on Ike, Kyle would have wanted me to make sure his little brother was ok. We're not one of those families (yea they are my family to me) who try to forget the person who died and act normal, we would've torn ourselves apart on the inside if we did that. On my visits we often end up talking about Kyle, exchanging memories and smiling sadly at the joy he brought us during his excruciatingly short life. We don't cry over it anymore, he wouldn't want us to remember him like that, he'd want us to be happy, he never liked seeing anyone cry. He was just too damn nice.

I didn't have to go to school for a while afterwards and I didn't get in trouble, with what happened who would have yelled at me for it? Stan and Wendy came to see me, along with other random kids from our school offering condolences, apparently everybody at school had figured out that we liked each other before either of us even did; at least that's what they said. Everyone who knew Kyle was saddened by his untimely death, even Cartman although he said it was only because he liked making fun of him.

I'm not gonna lie, I cried a lot, everyday for almost a month. When someone so close to you dies they bring part of their soul with them. Do you know how much it hurts to have your soul ripped in half? Whoever first used the word 'heartbroken' is right…right after his death as I lay alone in the bed we once shared and every time I rolled over onto his side and found it empty my heart ached, it was causing me more pain than I had ever caused myself.

I knew he was gone; I wasn't in denial or anything, it just hurt to not have him around anymore. Remember how I told you I was addicted to Kyle? Well, when you're addicted to something it's hard to have it taken away from you so suddenly. What hurt the most probably wasn't the fact that he was gone, it hurt more that I never got to say goodbye. It happened so suddenly the word never crossed my mind. If I had been thinking logically if I had noticed how much blood was left behind as he was put into the ambulance, then I would have said goodbye, but I was instead too focused on hoping and praying he would live.

Do you also remember that assignment I said I couldn't do for photography class? Well, the day he died, Kyle helped me finish it. The assignment was to take a picture of something important to you at a few different angles. Most people took pictures of an object, but my mind had immediately jumped to Kyle. He was lying on his bed reading a book and at first I was only snapping pictures to annoy him with the flash, but as I sat on top of him and attempted to tickle his to death he laughed and smiled uncontrollably allowing me to capture a moment I wanted to remember for the rest of my life. I got an A+ on the project, Miss Miller actually started to cry and hug me when I handed it to her.

I keep the picture in my wallet at all times, whenever things get tough I just have to pull it out and when I remember how happy he made me I push myself through the rough patches and keep going on. You would never guess, but I'm in college now, can you believe it? Kyle was the only one who ever thought I would be able to do something with my life and now, with his help, I'm getting ready to graduate after 4 years of hard work. I'm all ready to start a job the moment I graduate. I'm going to be working as a psychologist at an adolescent mental health clinic, most of the teenagers there are brought there in the same kind of situation I was in. I guess I'm doing it because I can easily relate to how they're feeling, but Kyle once told me I would make a good psychologist so that may be the main reason behind my career choice, but I'm surprisingly good at it.

I owe my life to Kyle, because surely I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for all he did for me. And, indirectly, every kid I help was helped because he never gave up on me. All of my other so-called 'friends' gave up on me, but not Kyle, he saw something good in every bad thing I did, and he actually tried. Can you see why I liked him? I wish I could see him just one more time. I would finally get to say goodbye and hopefully be able to tell him the one other thing I really regretted never saying to him: Kyle, I love you.

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I hope you liked it! His thoughts jumped around a bit but hey, doesn't that happen to everybody? Thanks again to everyone who R&R'd I love you all!


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